Why do you say no to your kids? It is an important question to consider. Why, when, and how you deny requests goes a long way toward defining the kind of adults they grow up to be.
Whether they are timid or bold, incurious or inquisitive, bland or spicy has a lot to do with the yes’s and no’s they get as children.
It is perfectly reasonable to deny requests that are too risky to grant, or that are beyond your ability to grant. Some types of harm are not physical. You have to make a judgment call that is best for your child’s welfare. But those are not the only reasons we deny our kids. Other reasons include:
- We don’t feel like it
- We want to assert our status as alpha
- We forget that kids are people too, with feelings that matter
All of these reasons apply to all parents at some point in their lives. It is important not to make a pattern out of them. Even to quirky little kids with quirky little requests, it is okay to say yes. Here are some of the reasons you will want to turn no to yes:
Because Their Comfort Matters
From the time they are babies, they have just as much ability to itch as you do. Their clothes can feel just as tight and restrictive. Their socks and shirts can make them too hot and irritable. All of these things are the same for them as it is for you.
What they do not have is an advanced vocabulary to express what they are feeling. They may need soft clothes for sensitive skin. They can’t explain the benefits of no-heel socks or seamless designs. They only know that they are uncomfortable.
Being trapped in a kid’s body is hard enough. Everything is new and scary. They only know a few words, and only trust a handful of people. As a parent, you’re one of them. Regardless of their age, don’t make them suffer discomfort as some sort of lesson. You wouldn’t wear clothes that make you uncomfortable. Don’t make them more uncomfortable than life demands.
Because Their Preferences Matter
We do not learn how to make good decisions by only making good decisions. We learn by making bad decisions with the good, and learning the difference between the two. If your child is to learn how to make choices, she must be allowed to make a few on her own, even if you do not like them.
This is where communication comes into play. You can’t dictate preferences and matters of taste. But you can explain contemporary fashion, style, and cultural attitudes about the same.
When you say no, you should have a clear reason that can be explained. Make your denial of request a learning opportunity. The same is true for saying yes. You can even negotiate your yeses. You can cut off the crusts of their sandwiches, and shape them in the theme of their favorite cartoon friends if that is what it takes to get them to eat a healthier bread.
While preferences cannot ultimately be dictated, they can be influenced. Let them have their preferences, while steering them to even better ones.
Because Their Individuality Matters
While you may want a son that walks in your footsteps, you may want to take a step back and ask what is so special about your footsteps that they need to be repeated.
To what extent is it okay to demand that your kids relive your life? Child experts had this to say on the matter:
A mellow approach is best when it comes to new activities. If your child decides that soccer isn’t for her and wants to try something different, talk it through with her. If she persists, let her drop the activity and move on – that way she’ll continue to enjoy trying and learning new things.
Your children will never thrive as individuals if they are never allowed to explore what it means to be one. Not only is it okay to say yes when a child expresses quirky interests, it’s vital.
Because you care about your child’s comfort, preferences, and individuality, you will find plenty of creative ways to say yes next time they make a quirky request.
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